by Kami | Sep 7, 2017 | All Essential, Jeffrey, Life
We have a chronically ill child, nothing life-threatening, but horrible nonetheless. Chronic illness changes you. As a parent you are scared and worried but also know that it could be so much worse. Almost to the point that you don’t want to complain. When Jeffrey would need to go to the hospital I would feel guilty being upset as I saw all of the other kids that were obviously fighting more serious battles. But internally there is so much fear and anger. No parent wants their child to suffer, ever. It breaks you into a million pieces on the inside. Chronic illness does that to you over and over and over. Then you just have to get up the next day and move forward. Due to the nature of his illness, it is cyclic (comes and goes), we started to live on edge… when will it happen again? Can we go away? Will it ruin everything?
Then it would happen and Dan and I would go into high gear. We jokingly called it “DEFCON 1” because we needed to laugh during the stress. Then it would be over and we needed to change gears and get back to life, but the emotions don’t go away so easily, the anger, fear, frustration and grief stay. So how do you process it all when you have no control and have no idea how long of a reprieve your precious child will receive? For us, it just takes time. We accepted over time that this was our new normal… But that in and of itself is sad. The acceptance that our child would needlessly suffer these bouts of unrelenting nausea and vomiting. Why? Why us? Why him? Wasn’t his autism, hearing loss, intellectual disability and global developmental delay enough?
Here is the beauty of Jeffrey, he is the strongest person I know. We have gained our strength through him, through his resilience and graciously through his ability to live entirely in the present moment. It is a sight to behold, to watch him just live, not dwell on the hand he has been dealt. He has never said “why me”, not once! Isn’t that amazing?? If it was me I would be wallowing in self-pity and he doesn’t, not ever. This is why I always say I wouldn’t change Jeffrey ever. Sure I wish his life were easier because I want that for all of my children but the lessons I have learned from Jeffrey are not lessons I could have learned without him.
by Kami | Jul 30, 2017 | All Essential, Death, Grief, Spirituality
In loving memory of Kirsten, Steve, and Kim. Thank you for helping me find my gift.
As a Christian I have taken a lot of “spiritual gift” surveys over the years. Healing, mercy, helps, and faith usually show up. Recently, I have been thinking about the good and hard parts of these gifts. You see, I have an ease and comfort with some REALLY hard things. Like death and grief. I can sit with someone else’s pain for a long time. I can walk with people through the hardest crap life has thrown at them. Is it easy for me? No way. Does it rip my heart out? Absolutely. Do I find pleasure in the suffering? Of course not. But I am good at it, like really good. I can compartmentalize my own fear and sadness to support others. I can process my own grief and sorrow, and create space for others to do the same. I just seem to know what people need, innately know whether they need a hug, or tough love, or silence. When I am in that zone it is a truly spiritual experience. I know I am walking in my purpose. I know it is what God wants me to do. But then comes the hard… The sadness sets in, it all feels too much, everything feels heavy. And then I wonder why God would want my gifts to carry so much hard. Thank goodness for my gift of faith, for that is what really pulls me through those times.
I hope you all can find your gifts, even if they carry some hard. The world needs you, all of you. Have you found your gifts?
by Kami | May 7, 2017 | All Essential, Life
This year has been quite a journey, but so has my life, really, and I am sure everyone can say that. Life has a way of throwing you curve balls, giving you amazing (and horrible) surprises, situations where the choices are between bad or worse. But it is a journey nonetheless.
About a year ago we made the decision to step into this business. We weren’t sure what to do, or whether we would be successful, but we wanted to try. I am a very solid thinking person, I like to be decisive and move on, I do not like to belabor a point, and once I make a decision-look out, move over or your might be run over. I like to keep it moving…
I really thought I was just starting a business but what I quickly learned was that dōTERRA is a “personal development company wrapped in a compensation plan”- this is what I was told and I don’t think I really believed them. But I am a rule follower so when I was given the task of 30 mins of personal development a day I had to check it off my list. So away I went to find some good personal development books. I decided audiobooks were the best choice for me since I am in the car so much. I have probably read about 20 books this year, and that is 20 more than the previous year!
What this personal development time started to do was peel away my layers. Layers it had taken YEARS to accumulate. Not all of them bad, not all of them good, some painful, and some that I was grateful to throw away. Over the past couple of months I have been feeling unrest in my soul and I just didn’t know why. Everything has been good, the business is thriving, my day job is going well, with a promotion just secured, the kids are active and busy, etc. Two weeks ago God gently showed me the source of my distress. I have been hanging onto some deep unforgiveness and resentment. I felt good about it actually, because you have to name it to tame it, so at least I knew what I was up against. I tucked that bit of knowledge in my pocket and kept moving. Until last weekend…
I headed to a women’s retreat with my church, and it was like God took a 2×4 to my soul. Every single talk, testimony, verse, song, literally everything felt like it was designed for my ears. That I needed to HEAR them, that I needed to FEEL them, that I needed to ALLOW myself to be exposed to the pain, the hurt, the vulnerability. It was hard. Really hard. I am the one that helps others, I shoulder their burdens, give them support, wipe away their tears, lend an ear, all while keeping myself together. It is easier that way. So much easier to deal with other peoples stuff rather than your own.
What I also heard loud and clear is that I need to let go. Let go of self-condemnation, resentment, anger, and unforgiveness in order to truly love others. These things are blocking me from accepting the Love of my heavenly Father, and therefore I cannot truly love others well. I thought I was loving others, and I probably was in some ways, but not fully, not the way I am called to. Not with my whole heart, not with a HEALED heart, and that is what I want, I want to live wholeheartedly. Without pretense, or the perfect “put together” facade. I just want to fully and with grace and humility pour love into the world. Doesn’t that sound lovely?
So here I am, on the precipice of a life-altering collision course with LOVE, and I have decided to LET GO (which does not come easily to this perfectionist, planner, “dot every I cross every T” girl)! As luck would have it we had the opportunity to zipline and I had decided to not be afraid and sign up. And I think this picture sums up letting go, what perfect timing it was. But of course my Father knew exactly what I would need, and I need to do this soul work, for He has shown me His plan for my life, and it is BIG!
What do you need to Let go of? Trust Him, He will catch you.
by Kami | Feb 5, 2017 | All Essential
I don’t remember the date, but I remember that night and all of the raw emotions I was feeling at the time. It was the middle of the night and Jeffrey was 9 weeks old. We had just been given the news that he was deaf and we were desperately trying to process what that meant. I had been reading about his level of hearing loss and the likelihood that he would never hear my voice, say my name, listen to or sing music, or do many “typical” things. Jeffrey and Dan were asleep, Jeffrey between us, and I was wide awake with worry. I am a fixer by nature, I care for people and fix them, but this was not fixable. I was terrified, angry, and feeling utterly and completely alone. I had no experience with deafness or being a parent to a special needs child. I just stared at my beautiful sleeping infant and I felt nothing but fear.
At that time we had a wonderful church that we attended but I didn’t have a personal relationship with God, I was going through the motions like a lot of people do. In my aloneness all I could do was talk to God, who I was hoping was listening. I wrestled with Him, I was really really mad at God and I told Him. I was really really scared and I told Him that too. I felt we had been dealt an unfair hand and I told Him. I wasn’t polite about it either, I was letting Him have it. It was rough and exhausting to let it all come pouring out of me. Then I was done railing, done whining, done with the “why me’s” and I just laid there in exhaustion. That is when I asked God to help me understand why he made Jeffrey the way he was, why he was different, why he had to carry such a burden, why our family would forever not be “normal”. I begged HIm that someday in my lifetime I would know what Jeffrey’s purpose was, that all the worry and fear and frustration would be worth it. That God’s plan for Jeffrey and our family was bigger than I could understand. God is a faithful God and I know he has been holding our little family in His strong hands every day.
Today was the day I have been waiting for since that night over 14 years ago. I present to you Jeffrey “The best worship leader in the world” (we are working on his humility). Remember what I read about what he wouldn’t do ;). NOTHING is impossible for God.
Psalm 63:4New International Version (NIV)
4 I will praise you as long as I live,
and in your name I will lift up my hands.
https://youtu.be/XPVVvb0fQaI
by Kami | Oct 28, 2016 | All Essential, Life
I found my first gray hair around age 19 or 20, I tease Dan that it all started when I first met him ;). I had a few and they never really bothered me because I could just pull out the random hairs. I would dye my hair but more for the fun of it, my mom always let me explore with hair coloring from a very young age. I loved highlights especially during the summer.
I chose not to dye my hair when I was pregnant with my oldest due to the toxins and it was then I realized just how gray I was around my temples. I have a few pictures from that time and I had two stripes of gray down the side of my head! After seeing those pics, I religiously dyed my hair for the next 15+ years.
The change came on gradually. The feeling of relaxation I used to have when I went to the salon gave way to burden. I knew every single month that I would spend two (or more) hours in the chair and drop $200 a pop. When I was feeling especially sick of it I would mention going gray to my hairdresser or friends and they all said the same thing, “You are too young!”. I would let the feeling fade only to resurface after a few months. I started to feel like I was spending an awful lot of my time and attention on how I looked on the outside, while telling my kids they needed to focus on the inside. Listen, I have nothing against caring about looking nice, but for me, I felt like I wasn’t living up to the lessons I was teaching my children. For some unknown reason I went gray early but that doesn’t take away anything about who I am, nor should it change the way people think of me, right?
A year ago I dyed my hair for the very last time, although I didn’t know it! In November I woke up one day and I just knew that I was done! Done dyeing my hair, done sitting in the chair for hours, done spending the equivalent of a car payment on the upkeep, and done caring about being 40 and gray. I told my family over dinner and they were all horrified! Funny, though, with their less that stellar attempts at support, my resolve grew!! I was so excited to be me, gray and ALL!
I have to tell you, I still walk by mirrors and wonder if I have done the right thing. My reflection shocks me from time to time! But overall, I am so grateful that I made this decision. I have proved to myself that looks just don’t matter, truly they don’t, not one bit. I love the 30 minute haircut I get every 8 weeks along with all the awesome responses I get from the older generation. Most people are very supportive and actually tell me how brave I am. But it wasn’t bravery that brought me here, that is reserved for those doing really brave things like fighting cancer or surviving traumas, it was just time to stop trying to cover up the crown God intended for me!
Gray hair is a crown of splendor; it is attained in the way of righteousness
Proverbs 16:31
